imagine my surprise when I found I do have a soul!
and I came up with a plan for my life. A happy plan. Am I ditching my idiot family? No *sigh* Am I running away to a far-away land? Also no *double sigh* Am I taking control of my life and figuring out a way to do something I enjoy?
I'm not going into the boring details right now, but the short version is that the plan includes getting a job or going to school or both. Or something entirely different. But regardless of how stupid this paragraph is, I do have a plan.
Big props to Best Friend - Mountain Time and Best Friend - Eastern Time for all their love and support through this struggle I've been dealing with! MT has endured countless pout/whine/cry emails and has helped me sort through the jumble, and just this past weekend I was visiting ET and she also listened to the story (although I'd already mostly organized it by the time I saw her) and she helped me put a little polish on it. You two are freaking awesome. And you need better nicknames. Kudos to Designated Hitter too, regardless of how he really feels about it he has been saying all the right things and appears to be genuinely supportive. Even if he's lying and a big fight comes later, those who know him know that even pretending to want what's best for me is a big deal coming from him. And who knows, he might even be truly supportive. I kinda think he is but I'm afraid to get my hopes too high.
I headed for home yesterday, and even though I was in Marvin the Paranoid Car I was still flying high. (To the authorities: I was high on life. Not meth) I was so happy I almost didn't mind that it took me around 1.5 hours to go 12 miles at one point. I was feeling good about myself and my life plan. Got to the hotel last night, caught up with Hitter for a while, and went to bed.
And then the "fun" started.
And then the "fun" started.
I had this horrid dream... I am not entirely sure of the setting, there were a lot of weird bits and pieces that I can't figure out, that's pretty normal for me. But the part that caused me to wake up in a cold sweat was a scene where my parents were yelling at me because I want to go back to school and they don't want me to. Okay I don't even know how they truly feel about it, because I haven't discussed this with them and I'm not going to until after the plan is not only decided upon but is already set in motion. If I go back to school, I may not even tell them until after classes have started. If I get a job, HR will have already filed my paperwork before they know anything about it. But that apparently doesn't stop them from yelling at me in my dreams.
Okay in case that isn't abundantly clear, it's my brain, Designated Drinker poking it with a cattle prod, and Bran Flake doing Riverdance on it.
In my dream, they were telling me I was stupid for thinking about going back to school and that I'd always said I was just perfectly happy being the dumb lab rat so why do I think giving that up and going to grad school is a good idea. And lots of other things. I woke up so mad at them for never being supportive of me. Everything I ever want to do, try to do, dream about doing... they tell me my ideas are stupid and I should do what they want me to do. And then they take things I've said in the past and use them against me.
Can you divorce your parents?
Of course, once I got my bearings (including remembering I was in a hotel) I realized how illogical that was... first and foremost I'm not giving up being a lab rat because I'm currently not a lab rat! (sidebar: I use the term "lab rat" to mean me as an employee who is conducting the experiments in question, not actually being the test subject) And secondly, to hell with them. They never understand anything I want to do, so why should I expect them to now? Hence my plan to not even mention The Plan until after it is already in progress and there's nothing they can do about it.
And before anyone says "maybe that was just your subconscious trying to make sure your big plan is realistic" well I actually think I've been fairly realistic about the pros and cons of The Plan. In fact, I'm kind of a pessimist these days. But that really is the way my parents have treated me in the past. The best approach I can take to that dream is that maybe it was my subconscious trying to prepare me for the insanity and make sure I'm determined to not say anything to those idiots until it's too late for them to voice their opinion.
Of course, that won't stop them. A couple years ago Hitter and I bought a new house. It may not be the perfect place, but it's pretty close to my dream house. The first time the parental unit came to visit (long after we'd already closed, signed the mortgage, moved in, etc) and Flake is all "well how are you going to feel if the neighbors tear down all their trees and build a bunch of houses back here?" Umm... what possible point does this comment serve?!
1. you are already fully aware that it would piss me off
2. there isn't anything anyone can do about it now because we've already bought the house
3. fuck off!
So I must be prepared for the negativity and the control-freakiness and all the other crap that will come from those idiots.
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