Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans

I'll be the first one to admit I have very little going on in my life.  I don't have a real job, I don't have kids, I'm not caring for an elderly relative or doing a crapload of volunteer work or anything.  And yet somehow I manage to always be saying "I didn't have time to get everything done I wanted to"  I'm not sure if that's because I really am busy or if it's because I do a lot of stuff that is stupid and pointless while I procrastinate the important things or if I just over-schedule myself. 

My crowning glory right now is that I was in my pool 7 days in a row.  No, not 24-7.  That would have made pruny fingers

the least of my worries.  But I did dip at least once each day for 7 days.  That streak came to an end today.  I opted for a 3 hour nap instead. 

Company was fun, especially the non-pedophile high school girls weekend.  The time with Bran Flake wasn't even all that bad.  She's a little more active than I am, and we didn't do a whole lot of entertainment stuff, but it wasn't bad.  Oh, except for one thing.  One of the high school friends is pregnant... she announced it here... so I emailed Flake (who earned her flaky nickname) and she got all excited and emailed a congratulations note TO THE WRONG GRANDMOTHER-TO-BE.  *sigh*  And not even like she accidentally just put in the wrong email address.  I had written the email saying who was knocked up, and mom read the email but her brain didn't read the name I had typed.  Guh.  I need to quit talking to that woman.  She's so airheaded about everything unrelated to her own grandchildren (and even then, one of them is by far the favorite.  I haven't figured out yet if it's cuz she was the first grandchild or if it's because she's a girl or some other stupid reason, but definitely favorite grandchild.  I'm so glad I don't have children who would need to compete for grandma's love)

The rest of our summer is going to be insane.  I'm going to be out of town almost more than I'm going to be home.  *sigh*  Not really looking forward to this at all.  This is about the time I start to consider getting a real job just so I have something to force me to stay home.  Someone just shoot me now and take me out of my misery. 

Marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce

I promised a couple posts ago that I would explain my "ex-husband"

Many moons ago, long before Designated Hitter and I were even dating (although we were sleeping together once in a while... don't ask) I met this guy, Opie.  He and I hit it off from day one

except we don't actually have shared jewelry

 

And we were inseparable for the 6 months I lived in that city.  (I moved 12 times in 6 years... no I'm not in the military)  We both have a similar sense of humor, we are both science nerds, and we just like hanging out together.

Opie gives the best back rubs this side of a spa.  Topless back rubs.  But topless back rubs were the absolute most sexual thing we ever did.  I'm kinda thinking I've never even kissed the guy on the mouth.  However, after we were no longer living in the same town, we started spending the night at each other's places when we'd visit... I had a queen size bed and when he was staying with me we'd both sleep in the same bed.  Non-sexual.  Possibly topless, but non-sexual.  One time I even got a pantsless back rub.  I don't know.  So the running joke became that we were husband and wife, because we did lots of things together and even slept in the same bed but we didn't have sex.  Which is like marriage.  Sort of.  Cliche marriage anyway.  Also, my real marriage, but that's another show.

Then Opie moved far far away, and I started dating Designated Hitter.  So the running joke became that we were then divorced.  Which went on for quite a while.  And became hilarious when one of his ex-girlfriends had a friend spy on him and I was over at his house one night and then the ex-girlfriend was all "soooo... who was at your house last night?" and he was all "my ex-wife" and she blew a gasket "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" and it was funny.

And now I've started calling him my boyfriend to a few people... because I normally only see him when Hitter is out of town.  Not because I'm cheating, but just because I have a lot more free time when the hubby isn't around monopolizing all my me-time.  So, Hitter goes out of town and I go over to my boyfriend's house.  Nice, huh?

This was kind of a terrible description.  It's way oversimplified, and doesn't do our friendship justice at all.  But this is supposed to be a funny blog so whatever.  Also I suck at being serious.  

Randomly unrelated: It seems that the Prom Queen has moved back into Buffalo Bill's house.  Like two weeks ago, and nobody told me.  *sigh*  I have mixed emotions.  My heart is glad they seem to be working things out, but my head just wonders how long it will last this time and if they're really fixing the issues or if they're just ignoring them.  Oh well, not my problem.  I mean kind of my problem, considering they're my family and all, but it's not directly my problem so I should just let it be.

With any luck this may be the end of the family insanity, at least as it relates to blog posts.  Let the hilarity and mayhem commence!  I need more breakfast-sugar.

Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too

A few hours went by between the baking and dropping of the cake, and the cleaning of the kitchen.  I was a little disgruntled about the epic failure. In those hours, I didn't even think about the preparation of said cake.  Then I went back to clean the kitchen, and got very confused.

I had mixed up the cake on the island.  Items on island: mixing bowl, mixer, random spray of flour and sugar, measuring cup, PEPPER MILL.  There was nothing else on the island.  Did I put pepper in the cake?  It called for salt... but it's not like I could have just shaken the wrong thing.  It's a pepper MILL.  You know, grinder.  And there was no salt shaker on the island.  What.  The.  Fuck. 

Did I put pepper in the cake? 

Does it matter?  I mean I dropped it.  Is anyone going to eat it?

Sweet Three-toed Sloth of Ice Planet Hoth

I'm so excited I can barely contain myself!  Two brand new Futurama episodes tonight!  I'm all tingly.

In honor of the event, I think I'll dye my ponytail purple and become a cyclops (here's a fork you can use as an eye-poker)

I gotta go bake Designated Hitter a cake.  That is unrelated to Futurama.  It's related to me being up for the Best Wife Ever award.  He has gone on and on ad nauseum since before we were even dating about this chocolate angel food cake that some old lady used to make for his grandpa (I'm not sure why another old lady was making cake for grandpa when grandma was still alive... maybe Hitter's family is kinkier than we thought) and finally I asked Hitter's mom if she could track down the recipe for me.  Turns out the Cake Mistress is still alive!  But she's in a nursing home, so we had to hurry up and ask her before the recipe went to the grave with her.  Today is attempt #1 at recreating a piece of Hitter's childhood for him, and plot #1 to win Best Wife Ever.

Update: I ruined the cake.  Don't drop an angel food cake while it's still hot.   Probably don't drop it ever, but definitely not when it's still hot.  All structural integrity was lost.  It's a nasty chewy mess of a semi-squished cake.  Pardon me while I go cry a little.

Another Update: I'm not sure the new Futuramas were quite worth the excitement.  I can't quite put my finger on it but something just isn't right.  Maybe I should be patient and see if either I was too hyped up or if they just need to get back into the groove.  Wait!  I know what was wrong.  They tried too hard to fit in.  I loved Futurama for the nerd jokes and the subtle things.  They spent too much time explaining their jokes and being self-aware.  And being all Comedy Central instead of being, well, nerds.  I hope this gets better, or I'm going to be sorely disappointed.  

Guano in my Belfry

Yep, I'm bat-shit crazy.  But so is everyone else, so it evens out. 

I apparently got a good night's sleep last night... for all of 5.5 hours.  Seriously, I'm less hypochondriac now than I have been in at least two weeks.  I need a massage though, my shoulders and the back of my head are pretty much twitching.

A brief rundown of all the insanity I am exposed to:

1. My family.  Same Shit Different Day.  Buffalo and the Prom Queen are still dating, and are apparently going on a vacation together.  Drinker and Flake still think this is all about them.  And Prima Donna and the Corporal still think they rule the roost.  To add insult to injury, they were given an honor in our little podunky town by other non-related people so they have even had a GROWTH in ego.  Just what they need.  (the insult and injury are to the rest of us, it really is an honor for them that I would have been excited about if it had been before now)

2. The wildlife.  Apparently the skunk moved out the day we set the traps, so we have caught no skunks.  Then my crazy trailer neighbor shot the groundhog, so I paid for traps to catch a non-existent animal.  Although something has dug out the groundhog hole again.  I'm thinking Quikrete down the hole.  And poison. Probably poison first, then Quikrete.

3. Fuck, there was supposed to be something else here but I forgot.  I'll get back to you. 

 4. Company.  Actually they aren't so insane.  Well, the first half of them anyway.  This weekend is high school girls weekend which isn't nearly as pedophile as it sounds.  Friends of mine who I went to high school with.  Not girls who are currently in high school!  We're going to drink a lot.  It will be fun.  I hope I don't die.  But as soon as they leave, Bran Flake is showing up.  Possibly meeting them in the driveway...  She and I usually have fun on our Mother-Daughter vacations, but that was before my family turned into a complete clusterfuck.  So.... yay? 

I should be cleaning the house to get ready for girls weekend.  Scratch that, I should be painting!  But so far in the last two days, I have a) picked blueberries, b) gone shopping (to Home Depot, but that counts, right?), c) taken a nap, d) gone out to supper with my ex-husband* and then went to his house for a couple hours, e) watched two movies, f) made slushie drinks (okay those are for girls weekend.  I'm making margarita slushes, bourbon slushes, and sloe gin slushes.  and possibly fruity margarita slushes too, the first batch was lime), and g) I am now heading out to the pool.  Umm, maybe I should mow first.  Although it's damned hot out (check local listings) so maybe I should procrastinate that just a little longer... till like 8:00 tonight.

I put the PRO in procrastinate.

If you are fully aware of the fact that you're crazy, does that mean you aren't really crazy?

*I don't really have an ex-husband.  I'm sure I'll explain that whole story another time.  

Hey Hallmark, I think you're missing something

The Corporal has a birthday coming up.  I'm still not quite over the way he and Prima Donna have acted through this whole deal with my li'l brother.  I had troubles back in May buying a Mother's Day card for Prima Donna without being all passive aggressive

 Inside: Too bad you aren't!  (not really, I just wish it said that)   

and now it seems that Hallmark is conspiring against me in my hunt for a birthday card for Corporal.

First, I went to Target (for other things, but conveniently they also have a card aisle) and there were only THREE Grandpa-Birthday cards.  One Jesus-freak card and two "you'we de bestest gwampa, I wuv u!" type little kid cards.  Okay I'm over 30 years old, so that eliminated the two little kid cards.  And when I saw the Jesus freak card I went "oh hell no!" which kind of explains itself. 

Next, off to the grocery store (once again for other things, but they also have a card aisle) and I got the same crap.  Seriously, do the card people think that we don't want to send our grandpas birthday cards?  Oh, and the even weirder thing is it was the same ratio of 1-Jesus-to-2-little-kid cards, but they weren't the same cards.

So I head to the Hallmark Store.  Guess what?  They had I think 6 Grandpa-Birthday cards.  A Jesus freak one, three little kid ones, and two that would be appropriate for someone of my age and religious beliefs.  One of those was all "you're so special and wonderful and you've taught us well and..." blah blah perfect crap.  And the other was pretty much

And I bought it.  And I mailed it.

And Hallmark sucks.

I knew that was wrong

Quote of the week (from last week):  All I could think of was necrophilia and I knew that was wrong.

Wait!  Don't go away!  I'm not saying I was into necrophilia.  Come back, let me explain.

I've been just dragging-ass tired for a good 5 days now.  Ridiculously tired.  Fall-asleep-standing-up tired.  I'll sleep for 8 hours, wake up, and want to go back to bed.  I took a 3 hour nap today, after sleeping 7.5 hours last night, and I could still go back to sleep right now.  I was trying to explain to Designated Hitter how I felt, and what I wanted to say was "maybe I'm developing a case of narcolepsy" (which I don't think you develop, but you know what I mean) but I couldn't remember the word "narcolepsy" and what I ended up saying was the quote of the week above.  And then he gave me that look that I interpret as "I wonder if I can get her in a straight jacket and lock her away without her kicking me in the nuts or possibly infecting me with whatever mental disease she has"

I get that look from him a lot.

*possibly Designated Hitter's fantasy... 
in more ways than one...

I thought I had a lot more to talk about here, but for some reason I seem to be drawing a blank.  So you can just enjoy my word snafu and I will go to bed and there will hopefully be more funny in the future.